The Rebirth of a Story

A photo of two street kids saved on my hard drive with no other story

My post last week on letting go has become a lesson in irony. Ever noticed the projects listed on the side of my blog? Depending on how you read my blog, you might never have seen them. I update it with my current projects, but also list two long-shelved projects because they're important to my growth as a writer.

Apparently, agents do read blogs and they do read those project lists. A lovely agent asked me about ANGELES OF ITHICA, a YA contemporary about homeless teens I hadn't opened in years. Over the weekend, I dug it out, dusted it off and dove into edits. And it is hard.

It's hard because ITHICA is the most personal thing I've ever written. While the stories aren't true, thousands of stories just like these ones play out on our streets every day. I spent some time as a teen working with kids in crisis and bringing awareness to the issue of homeless teens in America. I devoted an entire semester of high school on a research project about street kids. Those stories burned into my brain and I had to write them.

It's hard because after five years, I still feel all the emotions I poured into it. I still remember each character, each moment. I remember backstories and hopes and dreams.

It's hard because I'm a different person than I was when I began writing it. I'm harder now, more seasoned. I was a sixteen-year-old living in suburban Ohio when I first dreamed up these characters. Now I'm nearing 30 and live in Los Angeles, where I navigate through aggressive homeless men and women begging for change almost every time I leave the house.

It's hard because it's so different from my other projects. I like my happy, shinny, romantic fantasy worlds. I like bad guys who are bad (even if complicated) and good guys who are good (even if complicated). I like the magic and escape of fantasy. I like tackling real issues in totally unreal ways.

It's hard because ITHICA is real. It's dark and gritty. There is so much cussing (compared to the three h-e-double-hockeysticks in The Alterae) and while it's not graphic, it deals with drug addiction, child prostitution and abuse. I feel the burden to tell these stories honestly on behalf of the kids who can't and that means going to places I'd like to forget exist.

It's hard because I've grown so much as a writer. The current version is a mess, with the POV jumping all over the place and SO MUCH TELLING. It does not even begin to do justice to the stories.

So I'm digging in. I'm about 1/3 of the way through rewrites and I'm exhausted. This one is taking a lot out of me as I fight to breathe life into it again. But I think it's worth it. Years after letting go, I'm watching a story come to life again. Even it never sees publication, it's forcing me to grow and that is never a bad thing.

Music Challenge

*I hit 50 followers last night! YAY! I'm trying to think of something to celebrate*

In the meantime, Jani over at Life Debateable issued a challenge today that I couldn't resist:

Blog about a song that reflects one of your main character's characteristics. I want to get to know your MC and what better way than to have some fun with it, right?
How much fun is that?

I'm still in the begining stages of my work in progress (I don't really even have a title yet) and I only have one song on that place list, so I'm going to use The Alterae. And since I can't pick just one, here are three songs - one for each main character and one for their relationship. Enjoy!

Emma
Ghosts by Sleeping At Last

If you listen just right, you can almost hear it.
The symphony of secrecy, love and fear.
(search for love, but finding fear.)

Like a moth to a flame, we become helpless
To the beautiful ghosts
That true love sheds.

We are all running our very own races,
Set out upon the most dangerous of places.
And through it all, we were left
With a void in our chests,
We're aching to fill.

The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through the mouths from which we speak.

God, will you help us understand the meaning of it all?
Will you send your Angels down to us, at our every call?
Sometimes it seems the world is passing us
Faster than my eyes can adjust.

I can't decide
If I'm living or I'm dying.
So I test your love and I test your love, I test your love.

The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through us now...
The doves come
To gather our every need,
They lift them up to Heaven
Through the mouths from which we speak.

Like a moth to a flame, we become helpless
To the beautiful ghosts
That true love sheds.

Alex
The Count by The Classic Crime

Be good to me as you once were when you pulled me from the brink of death
My enemies were frenzied for a taste of my flesh
And now I've got the same feeling again
The beasts are closing in their teeth are dripping with rattlesnake poison

So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go

I don't want to live like this anymore
Trading truth for the simple things
I don't want to live like this anymore
Will You give me the will to sing out
When I'm filled with the darkest of doubt
When I'm down for the count

Protect me from mutiny
From those who miscarried your baby
From those who miscarried the truth
So they could selfishly do whatever they thought was pleasing
Protect me from insincerity
From between their teeth it's practically oozing
Their eyes are hollow and blind they're always wasting my time
And it's time that I'm losing

Alex & Emma's Relationship
Young Blood by The Naked & Famous

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skill
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth

Trying to find the in-between

Fall back in love eventually

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws

Claw my way out through these walls

One temporary escape

Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night

Our hands gripping each other tight

You keep my secrets hope to die

Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth

Trying to find the in-between

Fall back in love eventually

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers

Brittle it shakes

Can you whisper

As it crumbles and breaks

As you shiver

Count up all your mistakes

Pair of forgivers

Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

The Art of Letting Go

Cold Hearted by Healzo on deviantArt

I poured heart and soul into writing The Alterae, the manuscript I'm querying now. For the last three years, every song I heard, every place I visited, ever experience I had went through that filter. Those characters kept me up at night and prompted me to ignore living, breathing friends and family to bring their stories to life. In that time, I've written enough on that one book to fill two or three. I have bits and pieces of sequels. But every time I tried to write something new, it felt wrong.

For a long time, I thought it was because I'd used up all my energy and creativity on TA. I had good ideas (ideas that I think will grow with time), but nothing thrilled me. Everyone kept telling me to move on, write something new. First books never get published. But I couldn't. Writing felt like a chore - editing TA still felt new and exciting.

I learned so much through writing TA. I started writing it just to prove I could. My first draft was such a mess. Almost every major character or plot point has changed since I first typed it. My writing has gotten stronger, but I've also gotten better as a writer. There's a difference. I understand the value of beta readers and critique parters now. I have a better grasp on other books in my genre. I know more about how the publishing industry works (and doesn't work). I've learn to craft queries and pitches.

I've learn that sometimes it's okay to let go. And letting go isn't giving up.

I've been so afraid that if I loved another manuscript, I'd be giving up on Alex & Emma. I thought I'd let down everyone who read those early drafts. With a job and a home and a husband and a toddler, my time is really limited. I have find time to write and edit and critique and blog and query and research in the middle of managing everything else in my life. I didn't think I had time to love something else and still move forward with TA.

I LOVE the Alterae. I love these characters. There are scenes in my head for future books that are AWESOME and I want to write them.

And I will. But I'm also completely, totally, madly in love with a new work in progress. I started writing last Sunday night and I'm already over 10,000 words (TA is around 64,000 to give some perspective). I'm continuing to work on getting TA out there, submitting to contests, querying, etc, but in the mean time, I am loving writing something new.

While still a contemporary fantasy, this one is totally different from TA in tone. It's much lighter and the romance is stronger. It's also more epic - something I never thought I'd write again. I'm not writing it to prove anything or to fit any self-imposed expectations. I'm writing because I love it. Because words are pretty and I can paint pretty pictures with them. Because I can create characters that stick with me and make me want to follow their stories. Because I want to know what if?

I guess the point of all this is that I finally took the advice of EVERY OTHER WRITER and finally found something new to love. Because just waiting will never get me any closer to getting published. And I have stories to tell.

What about you? How to do know when to let projects rest? When do you let them go completely? How do you differentiate between giving up on a project and giving it space?